Voices from Within March 12, 2003 - 2:12 p.m.

I have multiple personalities. Have I mentioned this before? Well, maybe that isn't quite fair to say. There's only one other personality, so maybe it's considered 'split personality'. Multiple makes it sound like there's several of them arguing in my head.

But no, there's just me. And another me.

Although, I've never met the other me. We're not really on speaking terms. Y'see, it only comes out when I'm sleeping. Even then, it's rare. But when it does come out... it's mean. Hateful even. The glares alone could frighten the bravest of humans. And the words have the potential to slice through the coldest of hearts.

My mom claims to have encountered this doppelganger several times. Too many accounts to put into writing. But one that always stands out in my mind, occurred over the phone.

It took place when I was in high school. So we're talking at least six years ago. [Jesus, I suddenly feel old..] As was common practice for her, for whatever odd reason she could come up with, she would always call me after work to let me know she was on her way home. I never understood why. It's not like I was this bad kid so she calls to give me time to clean up any mess or get my friends out. All I ever did was watch tv. listen to music, or read. But this is irrelevant.

So in the conversation, she let's me know she's coming home and I apparently say something mean then end it with yelling 'I don't care if you EVER come home!!'. But I don't remember any of this, as shown by my obvious confusion when she calls back later that evening and starts by asking 'Are you in a better mood now?'. She fills me in on the earlier conversation and I am in complete shock. Out of all my many other outbursts, none had been so personally hateful.

Apparently when I got home from school, I fell asleep. Nothing unusual really, especially for someone who couldn't sleep at night. So that means while I was sleeping, I heard the phone, got up, walked to the phone, answered it, had a conversation, hung up, went and laid back down.... All of this, without waking up one tiny bit.

So now I'm wondering if I've not done this more often and people just thought it was me being an ass and didn't bother to say anything.

I bring all of this up, because my personality apparently decided to show itself again last night. Chris and I have been together for two and a half years now, and he's only seen that personality twice. One of which was last night. He says he doesn't remember what I may have said or done the first time. That isn't surprising, he has the worst memory if it doesn't involve lyrics or video game knowledge. But he ensures me that it wasn't anything too bad. I just snapped when he said something to me. Last night's remark wasn't really awful either, just hateful.

While waiting for the last load of laundry to wash before taking the clothes to the laundromat (to dry) I fell asleep. I must have been asleep for only twenty minutes when he tried to wake me. But I don't remember that. I only remember waking up and no one being here and his car gone. So I had assumed that he didn't want to disturb me and left to do laundry alone. But he corrected that idea when he got home and told me what I'd said.

"Honey, you wanna wake up?"
"NO!! Now, LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!"

See, it wasn't insulting, just angry. But either way, having someone say something, whether it be the words used or the tone, it can still hurt. Luckily he knew about my sleepy disposition, so he didn't take it personally.

I'm always concerned that I'm going to say something that's far too offensive to take back. Something so harsh that there's no forgiveness to be had. Words so evil that hate is bred upon their very utterance.

If something is said there's no taking it back, whether you meant to say it or not.

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