Retards a Go-Go April 03, 2004 - 4:39 p.m.

Becky, Aerin, and I went to see Hellboy last night. Notice neither Chris' - her Chris nor mine - are included, though both had the option of joining. It's their own faults. And I would have still backed out, just because my Chris didn't want to go, except for the fact that Becky was paying for my ticket.

You can't really turn down an offer for a free movie you really want to see, especially when someone tells you 'You're going to the movies with us' and ignores your refusals.

Girls night out, and we went to see the fanboy action movie. We're total geeks.

We got to the theater and bought tickets, then walked over and sat in the bar for awhile before the movie started. Bar in a theater... dangerous times. Thankfully, we didn't have enough time for Aerin to even finish her beer, and she was the only one drinking. She offered to buy us a drink, but I refused and Becky had literally just had her wisdom tooth cut out, so she declined as well. She did talk me into getting a Pepsi though.

Oh boy. Look out! One Pepsi is the start of a wild streak!

Or not.

We head to the theater and give the mentally handicapped guy (who will be called simply 'retard' from here on out, because I'm not politically correct) our tickets. Aerin and I are already through and waiting for Becky, who isn't paying attention and hands the guy her credit card receipt instead because it's shaped and feels just like the tickets.

So he says in his best, well-mannered retard voice, "Excuse me ma'am, but this is your receipt, I need your ticket."

Becky says something like 'oops' while she's getting her ticket out of her pocket and Aerin adds something simple like 'Yeah Becky!' Cause, she and I are both siding with the tard and pointing out that Becky fucked up. We make fun of each other and point out flaws and fuck ups. That's what we do.

Next thing we know, without even skipping a beat, the retard chimes in with a very loud and condescending 'DUH!'

I turn around and look in that direction trying to figure out if he just said what I think he said. And I'm immediately thinking how that would have been horrible had he said that to some uptight bitch. And instantly, the humour of it hits me and Aerin around the same time. And I think the rest of the line as well. Even the two workers that were standing on either side of the hallway, I guess there to watch the tard, started laughing.

Becky kind of laughs a little and walks away, leaving everyone else including the retard and his coworkers behind her to laugh at the 'duh'. Aerin and I are mostly giggling and thinking 'That was pretty damn funny'.

It seems that the further we walked down the hallway, the funnier it became. Each step intensified the laughter, until we just could not stop laughing. By the time we got into the theater, Aerin and I were up against the wall, in tears. Had the wall not been there, we might have fallen onto the floor in a laughing heap.

As we're standing there, dying, Becky was like 'find a seat'. We both tried our damndest to choke our the simple phrase 'we can't', but I don't remember if it even came out at all. She finally walked over to some empty seats and we followed her, still laughing.

I know we were annoying. In fact, in between laughing fits, we could hear some girls in the back making fun of us with mocking laughter of their own. It was well before any previews started and the only thing on the screen were those cheesing advertising slides, so I didn't give a shit if we were being loud. Besides, they were probably jealous because they missed the Duh moment themselves.

From then on out, every sentence was followed by or responded with a 'Duh'.

Before the previews even started, we had quieted down and proceeded as normal.

The movie was very cool, although I don't want to mention anything specific for those who haven't seen it yet. It did seem like it lasted a long time though, like some scenes just weren't progressing. I was kind of surprised that there seemed to be only one plot. The only subplots found were geared towards people and their relationships to one another. I guess I'm just used to stories that have lots of stuff going on at once. It's not that it's a bad thing, having one main story, it just seemed odd. I have to keep in mind, too, that this is presumably the first of a series of movies, so that focus on people was very important to the rest of the stories. Regardless, I still dug it. In fact, I'm wanting to go see it again. But I think it's silly to go see movies twice in theaters, especially if there are other things you're wanting to see as well.

We spent the credits making fun of people's names. Aerin and I decided that one day when we each have kids, they're going to be named Junko Velvy. I think it has a nice ring to it. She then suggested something like Twatpunch. And I pointed out that it was a good name, because when your name is a joke, it's harder for the kids at school to make fun of it. Let's face it, whatever they try to come up with can't compare to a real name like Twatpunch.

We were so hoping the retard would say Duh again as we walked out, but sadly, such was not the case.

When we got to the car, Aerin asked for Becky's Chris' phone number. She gave her the number and put in a request for him to get some Vicadin for her. Her dentist told her to just take Aleve, which is a bullshit request after having a tooth yanked out. But before Aerin asked him about the meds, she started telling him the Duh story with the retard. And we all started laughing again, complete with tears. It was made even funnier when, during a brief moment of silence, we could all here him on the cellphone going 'DUH!' Also, there were a couple of times where Becky would start laughing then end it with a sad 'Ow'. And even though we felt bad for her, it became hilarious and it was almost like we were trying to make her laugh to the point of pain.

We're evil girls.

We stopped by her work, which is kind of across the street from the theater, and got some baby pictures she had in her desk. While there, we told two or three more people about the Duh incident, also talking geek and movies with one of the I Eat Poop guys.

I Eat Poop is a local public access show that rocks. They're hilarious and their love of movies is blaringly obvious in their episodes. Instead of seeing the typical table, cheesy background, and poor interviews that one is usually subjected to on public access, we're presented with clever, well-thought out, and superbly directed tv. I seriously would not be the least bit surprised if one day, we see a movie out there by I Eat Poop Productions. Or Apartment Two, which is the other local show that's worth watching. Sometimes they'll even do like, crossover episodes and actors/characters from one show will be seen on the other. Or some of them regularly work both shows? Ah, hell if I know. Point is, if you live in the Louisville area, you should watch 'em. I Eat Poop is Friday nights at 12:30am and Apartment Two is Thursdays at 10pm.

Now that I've gone completely off topic, I'll go back to the point where Becky drops me off here and Chris shows up two minutes later. I then proceed to tell him about the retard story and he's smiling and laughing the whole time. But I have a feeling it was mostly because I was stupidly animated while telling it and he couldn't help but laugh at me being silly.

Well, that and Becky got called out by a retard, which is always funny.

DUH!!

Speaking of I Eat Poop....

Holy fucktards, You're Jon PooleBalls. Hold those
gigantic nuts up proudly and wave them around.
Which PooP Kid are You?
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