Subconcious Haircuts April 05, 2003 - 2:01 a.m.

Two or three broken hours of sleep. That's it. Yet I'm not tired now.

Aside from that, I've been in a strange mood today. One of those typical 'I hate myself' moods. Completely self loathing and criticizing. If I walked anywhere near a mirrow, I'd bitch about the reflection. I was completely hateful, but only towards myself. I've washed my face a few times today. Brushed my hair several times, when I usually almost never brush it. It's long and straight, it hardly needs it. I've bitched about my lack of ambition and motivation. Complained that I haven't exercised like I need to [start] or gotten a job yet. The term 'useless' was worn thin.

At one point Chris went to hug me and ended up pulling my hair in the process. Trying to make me laugh he made some joke like 'You just need to cut your hair'. Which he doesn't really want me to do. Everyone seems to be completely against the idea of me cutting my hair. Even myself, typically. But for some reason as soon as he said that, I immediately reached for the hair scissors that I had laying on the table with my cross-stitching stuff. Didn't even give it a second thought. Then I pushed him away and started walking to the bathroom.

I guess he saw the scissors in my hand, because he jumped up pretty quickly and stopped me before I could actually cut any hair. And that's when I broke down and went on some huge rant... about being useless and crap.

I don't feel any better now. But then again, this has been an ongoing state of emotions. It won't go away over night or a few spilt tears.

It just felt so odd. Grabbing the scissors and going to cut my hair, without any thought. It's like someone else was controlling me. I've never done something like that before. But then again, I've toyed with the idea of needing a change. Any kind of change recently. Especially a physical change. Eh, maybe subconciously I feel like I'm stuck in this label on an appearance level. Everyone knows me as the girl with long hair. Everyone would give me shit if I were to cut it. And needing/wanting something different, the best place to start is by going for something reactionary.

It's all retarded. I'm sitting here, typing an entry about subconscious haircuts? What the hell? That's just stupid. And it proves just how lame my life is, when I waste time disclosing an area of such little importance.

I can't wait for this self hating bullshit to end.

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