I Can't Get No.... November 08, 2002 - 1:53 a.m.

I've been plagued with a physical condition for over 3 years now.

It's comparable to taking a deep breath or yawning, and not getting that last gulp of air at the end. That last gulp of air is the entire purpose of the yawn or deep breath. Without that gulp, the act is incomplete.

It's like the onset of a sneeze. It starts with that little tickle inside the nose. The eye then starts twitching, ever so slightly. You can feel the sneeze crawling up your throat, molesting the back of your tongue before it concludes its quick escape. By this point, the nose is having a seizure, the eyes are watering, and the face is slightly contorted from any muscle strain that may be due to prevent further eye twitching. Then.......

Nothing.

Sneezus Interruptus.

Following the disappointment, you spend a few minutes wiggly your nose and flexing every muscle in your face. It's as though, after the commotion, the sneeze itself realigns everything that had been thrown out of whack for it's arrival. Without the actual sneeze at the end, you have to manually fix your disfigurements.

I'm broken.

Where's the warranty? I need to make a return.

This is all a pain in the ass.

And I don't like it.

No, sir. Not one bit.

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