I Make Things Too Complex February 24, 2003 - 11:39 a.m.

Seeing as even the smallest of things feel overwhelming anymore, I've decided the best approach to be taken is breaking things down.

Instead of simply saying 'get a job' then my brain running with all the complexities of looking, applying, interviewing, managing transportation, the need for work attire (as all my clothes seem to have changed into nothing other than jeans and t-shirts), and other things like worrying about location and being able to shower (as I can't do that at my mom's house), and etc..... Instead of being overwhelmed, I'm breaking 'get a job' down to simply 'look for job openings'.

See there, no commitment. No definite plans in having to do anything further than that. Just look. See what's out there. Get an idea of what I may want to dedicate my time to. What sounds interesting? What feels comfortable?

Then from there, the next step will be applying. Making the effort. Making the decision and saying 'I could work here'. And from there, gradually going up the ladder of employment status until I reach the top which is 'pay day'.

But I'm still stuck on looking. I'm just staring at various classified websites, not knowing where to begin. Should I look through everything? Should I look through companies I know of? What type of work am I even looking for? Is it wrong to want to avoid the public altogether? Which jobs keep me occupied, but not worn out? Aren't there legitimate jobs I could do from home?

Everyone keeps telling me that jobs won't just fall into my lap. I have to "Get out there and find the job, the job won't find you". 'Pound the pavement' or whatever the stupid saying is. What the hell does that even mean, anyhow? Is that like stomping around and having a hissy fit because you can't find anything good? That'll get you no where, children. So anyhow, I'm continually being told that I have to look for work because that's how things are done and that's the only way I'll get a job.

But they're wrong. And I think that's why I'm having trouble even looking to begin with.

Every single job I've worked in the past 24 years (I started young) has 'landed in my lap'. It's always been the simplest matter of 'Hey, you wanna work here?' and me saying 'sure, why not'. I've had jobs where I never saw or even talked to the 'boss' until I came in for work that morning. Hell, I've only been through one interview.

Looking on it now, I guess that's only stunted my growth, because now I feel retarded and lost. I feel like such an idiot because I don't even know how to look for a job. How fucking moronic is that?!

Despite my ever-present headache, I'm still looking. I don't really want to, because it's all a sea of confusion, but I have to. I guess.

Moving a few steps ahead... I hate this whole experience because I've made it known to myself that nearly my entire paycheck will be put towards a house that's not my responsibility, that I don't even feel I live in nor stay often enough, and that I highly loathe at the moment. What little money I will have left of my check I plan on opening an IRA or some other sort of retirement/savings plan. After getting new glasses.

I will get new glasses this year. Dammit. And no one can stop me.

Did I ever officially make that my New Year's Resolution? Cause it is.

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