Over-reactions of the Paranoid kind? 2002-03-13 - 12:02 a.m.

I know they're concerned for me, but the only response that seems to resinate with me is 'stop overeacting'. It's quite obvious that they don't seem to understand. I guess, being that they aren't in my situation, they wouldn't. But my mom has been there, so why can't she see where I'm coming from? I don't get a kind 'I think you may be over-reacting a bit' chunk of honesty... but more like a demand. Like I don't have the privilege of expressing myself because it is bringing them down. I'm sorry they aren't the ones that have to deal with it head on. I'm sorry if my concerns aren't all happy and fucking sunshine. I'd like to see their reactions if they were to come to the realization that they have high risks of dying before actually having a life. (I don't actually say or imply that to them...) Okay, so I'm not terminal or anything (at least not that I know of) so, yeah, worded that way IS over-reacting... But that's what it feels like at times, and it may very well be the truth too.

I have several friends that I've made online that I can talk to about stuff like this, and I don't get the same reaction out of them. Now, when I'm online, I try to be pleasant and not talk too much about my personal drama. I try to stay within the topic at the moment... movies, music, books, whatever. But there are times when the topic of life issues comes up, as with any conversation between friends. So when my 'two cents' is thrown in from my personal experiences, it typically includes something related to my health. I don't just offer it up as idle conversation. I certainly don't pull the 'oh, pay attention to me while I talk about my drama' crap. I hate that shit. I hate attention, which is why I think I don't talk too much about my personal life with the people online, or in real life. But when I do talk about my health, I see genuine concern from them. They don't seem to think I'm over-reacting. In fact, they react a lot stronger towards it than I do. Maybe this has something to do with not seeing them everyday. I mean, it may be that I talk about it more with the people that I talk to every single day. But I really don't think that's the case because, believe me, I try my damndest to get lost in whatever it is that I'm doing at the moment. Be it watching TV or a movie, reading, playing a game, playing with the kitties, or just knitting. (I just started to learn knitting... I wanna make sweaters :) ) I don't know..... it's possible that they see me moving around, active, and seemingly healthy... and just don't want to picture what is likely to come. Me, not moving much at all, bed-ridden with disease or something. Whereas the people online may have a different view of me when my health is mentioned. I mean, everyone imagines the worse in cases like that.

Someone asked me if it was inevitable. No. It's not inevitable. Nothing is. I hope, just like everyone else, that I will live a strong, happy life. I have many plans for it. I have hope... it's there. But I also have reasoning and logic. Looking at my family history and my own constant pains of whatever sort, my future proves to be on the harsh side. I'm not looking at this as a hopeless life and I'm 'just gonna die someday, so what's the point'. Yeah, I'm gonna die one day. If you're reading this now, so are you. So what if I'm gonna die in the next 5 years, or live to be 104.... my life will still be lived as if I have forever and only a single day, at the same time. I see it as more of a well-placed concern. A concern that brings with it preparation and awareness. I'm just preparing myself for what's possible. If I'm the typical person that thinks 'it won't happen to me', then I'll be devastated when/if it does happen. And if I'm aware of myself, then I may be able to find a problem and have it taken care of before it has a chance to become a detriment to myself. No.... I don't see my concern as giving in to anything. I see it as fighting. (God.... how cheesy does that sound?!?!? LOL) Okay, so maybe it's a passive fight. But, dammit, I like my reasoning! If you want to call it uncalled for paranoia, go right ahead. It won't affect me in the slightest.

You know the old adage or whatever... 'Do you see the glass half empty or half full?' And that's supposed to define whether you are a pessimist or an optimist. My way of answering that question begins with my own question. 'Well, is there more of what I've got in the glass somewhere else? If I can get more, then it's half full. If there isn't anymore, and I've got the last of it in my glass... then it's half empty.'

I'm not a pessimist.

I'm no optimist.

I'm a realist.

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