Productivity Imbalance August 11, 2004 - 1:12 a.m.

I seriously need to change things. I do nothing. I'm not furthering anything. I'm not growing as a person. I'm not being at all beneficial to anyone, let alone myself.

Yeah, I do the dishes. Yeah, I take the trash out. I cook dinner and I do other miscellaneous household chores. These aren’t life-affirming activities. These are everyday evils. These are things that any household should do. I feel like these are the only things I’m capable of. And Chris could easily do them himself, if he chose to.

I’m not part of society. I don’t work. And the few times I do, I’m eager to go back home. I’m not actively looking for work. Hell, I’m not looking at all. The idea of going to a new place and working with new people and doing new things, scares the shit out of me. I feel sick at the mere thought of it. Putting the fear aside, I feel overwhelmed if I look and don’t know where to start. It’s not that I’m incompetent at a job or skill, it’s that I’m not able to deal with the process of getting there.

I’m not providing anything. I’m not productive. I don’t provide a service and I can’t even provide for myself.

I have several reasons to see varying doctors, but always find excuses. Main one being money. So in the meantime, I’m deteriorating. My entire body is slowing breaking down and falling apart. It worries me, but I never act on those concerns. It’s almost like I’m waiting for something to happen. Or just… waiting. For nothing, but waiting all the same.

I’ve never had to fight for anything. Everything I’ve ever had, has just happened. Jobs, relationships, experiences in general. Everything simply landed in my lap and I’ve gone with it. I think it’s made me weak and incapable of coping with the idea of putting up a fight and going after something for myself.

I’m a coper, not a changer.

Whatever happens, I just deal with it. However things want to work out, I just slide along with. If I dislike a situation I‘m in, I find reasons for it to be bearable until it‘s over. I don’t find ways to change it. The only way I can change a situation is to simply avoid it altogether. Which I also excel at, obviously.

This is life. I’m simply along for the ride. I’m not driving nor am I reading the map. I’m merely accepting things as they go past the window.

I don’t do anything. I’m not changing anything. I’m not striving for anything better. Basically, all I do is breath and waste time.

This is slow suicide.

There’s all these feelings and ideas that I just can’t express. Deeper emotions that tangle with avoidance. And it’s not really that there are so many, it’s that there’s one… and that one is so intricate and intense. It’s too hard to explain or verbalize. It’s only about feeling and understanding. I completely comprehend the thing, but it’s impossible to fully explain.

It’s like I have this state of being that’s almost tangible. I can see it as a picture and feel holes in it. That’s not a metaphor, either. That’s quite literally how it feels. There’s the image, with holes and gaps and the need to fill them. To pour water in or to shovel dirt into them. Not holes in the photograph itself, but the image. It’s a stop motion movie with missing parts. And I guess all of that could be metaphoric for me having an emptiness that needs to be filled by participating in life… I thought so too. But there’s still so much more to it. So many more proverbial layers. All these elements that create one giant emotion.

It’s a pain in the ass and I can’t break it down. It’s there. I understand it.

Simply put… I’m going through the motions.

“Nothing here is real, nothing here is right.”

“Will I stay this way forever?
Sleepwalk through my life's endeavor?”

“Going through the motions
Losing all my drive.
I can't even see
If this is really me
And I just want to be-
Alive.”

Yeah, I went the cheesy Buffy route… but that sums it up the best. I didn’t even think of the song, until I wrote ‘going through the motions’. Just like I can’t hear ‘where do we go from here’ without thinking of the final song. Or ‘I’ve got a theory’.

I went from being whiney ‘boo hoo poor me’ to talking about the Buffy Musical.

Yeah, not much else to say after that.

Emotions are shit and I really feel like I’m just along for the ride, waiting for the exit.

The End.

.: Googles .: Registered! .: For Sale .: My Store

Design :. Picture :. Trading Card :. Host :.