Internal Conflicts January 14, 2004 - 7:08 p.m.

A new home.
A new name.
A new experience.
A blank slate to start over.
A new beginning.
A new world.
A way out.

This isn't me. I'm not someone who wants something different. I'm someone who deals with the same things all the time and finds contentment in that. I'm not someone that deviates from the routine. I don't crave change. And if I do, it's minimal. Like trying new foods or watching new movies. New situations freak the shit out of me, so why do I feel I want that?

New is bad. Old is good.
New is scary and unknown.
Old is safe and comfortable.
New is falling down a bottomless well.
Old is wrapped up in a warm blanket.

I'm not the adventurous type. Why need the adventure? Need it, but be terrified of it? Being reluctant but dreaming of it all at the same time? It's like a crackhead wanting to come clean, but being scared of the pains of withdrawal and walking through life without that holding hand. Everyday, wanting that change. Everday, falling into the same old habits. The habits that are safe and comforting. The habits that, to you, keep you grounded and sane. Two cravings; one stronger than the other.

Old is the addiction.

New is fear without the crutch.

New means taking a leap and running on empty, but not looking back and staying strong. It's all about chances and taking them and dealing with them and often regretting them, but never being too afraid to take them and learning everything you can from them. New is ignoring the consequences.

I sit back, enjoying the old, admiring the new. Always wanting the new but not willing to give up the old. Always wanting the new to be the old, without having to deal with the fear and uncertainties. The obstacles before the destination.

I fear the fear and uncertainties. That's what always holds me back. That's what keeps me who I am. As opposed to the person that goes after the new, I sit here simply dreaming of it. Craving it. But not strong enough to obtain it. Not tall enough to reach it. Not lucky enough to win it.

Maybe I still need some growing up to do first.

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