What's my motivation in this scene? March 27, 2002 - 3:52 p.m.

Cue the 'woe is me' whiny entry....

I'm feeling completely useless. No motivation. Not ambitious in the slightest. You'd think that with my entire wishlist of superficial crap, I'd be eager to get something done. If nothing else, my desire to get away from my current location should be reason enough to work for an outcome. Yet, nothing. I realize it only makes matters worse to be annoyed at myself with it, but that's how I feel. The typical feeling I'm sure everyone gets... like I'm a waste of human flesh. Someone else should be in my place in line, and do good things in the world. If that someone really is me, please hand me a shovel so I can dig her out and bury whatever this thing is that's walking around in here.

I may be wrong, but I can't stop thinking that the reason I should be motivated is the exact same reason that I'm lacking the determination. It's really difficult to explain my position. It's like I'm physically stuck, and everything is caving in on me mentally. Of course the physical effects the mental.

*searching for words here*

I'm not actually 'stuck' like strapped in bed or anything... it's more like... cluttered. Claustrophobia kicks in. Yeah, I think cluttered describes it best. But this level of cluttered is insane.

Imagine a very small, narrow walkway, with endlessy tall walls on either side. The path leads on forever, but not in a straight line. You won't know where the next turn will be or what will be around it, until you get to it or unless you've been there before and have it memorized. That's how I feel. And I don't mean just as a wordy metaphor. I mean I physically deal with that every day. I know that it can be changed, but it's not changing. And there's nothing I can do about it. Little by little, it's breaking me. I will soon be reduced to a rambling feeb. More so than what it appears of me now.

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