Weight in Credibility October 11, 2003 - 3:16 a.m.

I've got a horrible headache and feel sick. I started falling asleep earlier, for no reason linked to exhaustion.

Chris mowed the grass earlier. When he needed more gas he found an old gas can they had, which was half full, and decided it was probably mostly water and wouldn't be wise to put into the mower. So he dumps it out at the side of the house. Right under the window at the computer room.

The house immediately reeked of gas fumes. Particularly this room. But it quickly spread into the living room, so there was no getting away from it.

Can you guess where I think my headache and yuckiness is coming from?

Almost twelve hours now, and it's still noticeable. I keep walking outside and sitting for awhile, just to get away from it. It helped that I had the windows and door open, but it was too loud and I couldn't hear anything so I had to close them after a few hours. It only added to the headache.

Chris' mom is coming into town tomorrow, and I'm sure she'll say something about it. Oh, joy.

And my brother leaves on Sunday morning. We're having breakfast before he leaves. I haven't seen him yet and I won't see him until then. So I'm pretty relieved.

Ya know, I actually like my brother. In some regards, I really admire him for being able to do all the things he's done with himself. It's just become a pain to constantly worry about what he has to say to me this time. It seems that each time we talk, he has something new to tell me. Something that I 'need' to be doing. And I know he's right, but I don't need to hear it every time I talk to him. It just causes bad associations. I associate a visit from him, or just his voice, with feeling degraded. So of course I feel horrible and worry whenever he tries to contact me. And I wish it weren't that way.

And my simply knowing that's how things should be doesn't change it. I'm still suffering from a raging case of logic not making sense. It's all about the actions these days.

Like the book and bookmark Chris got for me. It seems so weird to find encouragement in such a trivial thing. He made one small remark about how he thought it would help me, without turning it around and making me feel like shit or pushing me towards any goals. By doing that, it was showing me he knew I was capable of doing something. People say it to me all the time, but that book [actually, the meaning behind the purchase] says it with more credibility than any of them ever could.

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