8.2 on the Richter Scale September 20, 2003 - 4:28 a.m.

For years now, if I go too long without eating anything, I get sick. Not throwing up sick, but uncontrollably shaking and tremendously weak. I've gotten physically sick several times, the kind of sick that involved shaking and weakness, but that never compared to the way I get if I haven't eaten in awhile.

And when I say 'too long without eating', I mean merely one day.

Usually this isn't a problem, as I tend to eat rather often throughout the day. Snacking nearly nonstop. I'm a cow that way. But there have been times, mostly at my mom's house, where I've had no option but to go hungry. And sometimes I just don't think about eating. I may not feel hungry. But that's pretty rare and the shakes, well, they shake me out of it.

Also, I don't get these shakes all the time. It's not like every single time I go without food, I get all weak. There are plenty of times that I'm just fine, so there must be some trait that causes it. Some element of what I do, is done differently, and causes my body to gimp up. But I've yet to find it. And boy, do I wish I would soon. With this combination of shakes and being weak, I'm extraordinarily clumsy and fumble in trying to open the simplest of things. It's all a pain, and quite uncomfortable too. I can feel my entire body basically vibrate, which can sometimes knock me out of balance. Like I'm experiencing my own personal earthquakes. Needless to say, I try to remain sitting or lying down when this occurs. Except to get food. Because the first thing I do when I feel this weakness spread over me, is to go for something to eat. Usually crackers or slices of bread, because they expand and fill you up quicker. Once it's eased enough to move a little better, I make real food.

I bet it's an odd sight, seeing me sitting in a ball on the kitchen floor in front of the cabinet, eating crackers out of the box, and shaking like an epileptic.

These shakes seemed to be fairly rare occurences. Yet I've been getting them more and more lately. A few weeks ago I got them two days in a row, which was extremely unusual. But I figured it was due to very light snacks. There wasn't any food of substantial substance in my tummy to ease the miniquakes. Maybe a thing of yogurt or a Hot Pocket.

So then why am I getting them now?

I've snacked all morning, up to late afternoon. Had lunch. Ate some chips or something in between doing dishes and cleaning the kitchen. Then we ordered pizza about six hours ago, and I ate two huge slices. With all the food I've eaten today, there's no reason for me to be feeling this way. I'm a tiny person so I don't need too much food to fill me up anyhow. I could understand feeling a bit hungry after that time had elapsed, but nowhere near the point of getting the shakes like this.

And no, I don't puke up my meals. Cause, eewwww. With the exception of one drunken night a few years ago, I haven't thrown up in fifteen years.

So yeah. Now I'm worried. I'm worried that there's something wrong with me. That I have more stupid medical issues to deal with. Simply low blood sugar or pressure or whatever... fine, I'll remember to keep snacks with me. Otherwise, I don't need the added stress of something new. I don't need to be constantly worried that I could go into a seizure or even a coma. I don't need the thoughts that there's something literally in my brain pressing against a lobe, causing this crap. I don't need to be reminded that I've got so many other medical things I need to worry about as well, that could even be related to this. And I really don't want to hear that it's from stress, because that was my first thought anyhow. Although, it would be the most calming of the options. I guess I would much rather it be stress related than anything else.

But it seems that every other ache and pain that I feel can be chalked up to stress, so maybe it would be a relief, in a sense, to hear that this is caused by something else. Something that can actually be fixed. Something that can be taken care of, and no matter what bullshit emotions I'm going through, it won't decide to make another appearance just to piss me off. Because it can't. Because I've taken the precautions and used the medicine or surgery or whatever cure there is available to stop it from bothering me anymore.

It's relieving to think that there are some things that you really can make go away. Some things you can stop.

Not everything is so intrusive and inescapable.

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