Don't Let Go of the Bike May 13, 2004 - 3:05 a.m.

So, I've been feeling pretty lonely lately. While I see Chris every day, it doesn't seem like it's very long. Between work, his role playing games, and his card games, not to mention standard things that need to be taken care of, it feels like we don't get to hang out too often.

And I don't get out and do anything. I don't talk to people, other than occasional conversations with Becky or listening to my mom yap. I don't socialize. I don't interact. The rare occasions I actually do out into the world, I'm eager to get back here as quickly as possible.

I have to wonder if I'm not slighly agoraphobic, mixed with the obvious anti-social tendencies.

There are days when I'm just fine with the way things are. With the way I am. Then there are other days that just get to me. Like feeling lonely, when it's my own fault. But I often feel lonely in crowds, so what difference would it make anyhow?

I think part of why I feel so lonely, is because it's so quiet when I'm wide awake, which has been around 1am lately. You see, I'm the only one here. It's around this time that I'm even afraid to leave this room. I'm so stupidly paranoid, that my skin crawls with the idea that someone might be in the house, just waiting for me to move. I find myself checking the door out of the corner of my eyes. Checking to make sure no one's standing there.

My paranoia isn't limited to the outside world.

It's been about a week or two now, and I was walking into the kitchen. As I was rounding the countertop - it's kind of a peninsula - strands of my hair became dislodged from behind my ear and were beginning to fall into my face, but not fully. Not feeling the hair move, I only saw a little of the movement. And at that moment, as I saw something moving out of the corner of my eye, I seriously thought someone was creeping up behind me. My heart stopped and I was afraid to turn my head. It only took a split second to realize it was only my hair, but that intense fear was jolting.

Needless to say, I felt like the biggest fucking retard.

I was certainly relieved, but that chilling feeling didn't leave.

It never does.

It's there, every night.

And maybe that's why I feel lonely; fear. I'm afraid of what's out there and I can't handle it on my own. Fear of the unknown is always the worst. And facing it alone is far more terrifying than if you have someone holding your hand while confronting those fears. Feeling like I'm on my own more and more, just makes me more afraid of the boogeyman.

You could look at it as support. Or you could look at it as needing to grow up and be responsible for yourself. Taking things into your own hands and not relying on others to help you. A little of both is always best. It's great to be accomplished and in control, but it's nice to have the support so that you don't have to be strong all the time. Self-reliance is good but you should never be too proud to admit you need help.

Me? Oh, I'm all about the support. I'm not too proud to cry out 'help me' when I really need it. In fact, I think I've come to rely on it a little too much.

I'd love some self-reliance, but I don't know that I want to get rid of my training wheels just yet.

As far as my general loneliness? Maybe I should join a quilting bee.

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