Trying to Stay Out of the Know February 10, 2004 - 2:31 p.m.

I'm trying my best to ignore it all. Ignore all this shit inside. It's much easier when someone's around, because they provide the best distraction without even realizing it. When I was with Becky at the hospital last week, I was able to ignore myself completely. It was peaceful, but I didn't even have the chance to notice at the time.

Being here all the time, I'm constantly hearing 'Are you okay' and 'You look sad'. It's so easy to use my headaches as an excuse. If my head's hurting again, then of course I'll look upset, which ends any further questioning. Also, it helps if I just want to go lie down, but I haven't done that too often. Mostly I use the headache excuse when he's asking 'what's wrong'. It's easier than saying 'I don't know' then getting stupid looks and even stupider questions.

If I don't know what's wrong with me, then why keep asking me questions or coming up with possible problems? Which, by the way, can often make things worse because it makes me realize other issues that I hadn't thought of. It does more harm than good.

The headache excuse saves me.

But it only goes so far and only covers so much.

I've been fighting tears all day. Sometimes not winning, but I was able to show some control and get them to eventually stop. Distractions are good, even chores. You won't believe how much better you feel if you simply focus on washing a plate. Although I broke a glass - and didn't care. And then Chris got home and I figured I was fine, because someone was finally around to help cheer me up.

Until he made some off-handed remark and I suddenly couldn't stop crying.

'Ow, my head' wasn't going to cover this kind of crying.

He did the typical thing of asking what was wrong and why I was crying. I can't count how many times I said 'I don't know' or simply ignored him out of annoyance. After several sighs and some other remark or question, I finally lashed out and said 'Why don't you just go play EQ?!' It wasn't yelling but it was definitely a mean voice. When he continually sighs like that, it just makes me feel worse. And asking the same question over and over doesn't help either. It feels like he's not even listening to me. His only response was to ask me to talk to him or asking what was wrong. In the same voice, I said "I don't know! I don't know what my fucking problem is!"

I guess he finally got the point then, because that's when he took my hand and just sat with me. He finally made me laugh a couple of times then went to play on the computer when he thought I'd stopped crying. Which was fine; I just layed down and went to sleep.

Valentine's Day is Saturday, and neither of us has any money. I was hoping it would work out like my birthday, and he would just forget... but then I would feel guilty for pretending to not remember. At least with both of us knowing about it, we can set time aside to watch a movie, if nothing else. As long as it's not McDonald's and nothing else to speak of, it will be more eventful than my birthday.

Ugh. If only I could grow up and be normal and not be paralyzed with fear... then I could get a consistent job and help him with the bills. Then, we would both have money. And we could buy each other presents and go have a nice dinner and finally see Return of the King in the brand new theater that opens Friday. And I wouldn't be behind on my boxsets and I could get a few books and maybe some nice clothes and I would have insurance so I could go see a doc about my headaches and presumably cancer spots and see a dentist before my teeth fall out and I become the true definition of some chic from Kentucky. The runon, stream of conscience doesn't help with that last one. It's called poetic license, but for those not 'in the know' it just sounds unintelligent.

And now I'm rambling. This is what I do when I try to ignore it all.

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