I am Jack's Menacing Guilt January 31, 2003 - 5:34 p.m.

I'm fighting myself. Not really sure why or how, but it's a mess.

I keep myself wondering. Am I simply being too emotional about things? Am I simply just pushing the blame for my feelings and failures onto other people? Am I happy with the idea of being the sad little loser that I feel I am? Do I intentionally want to make myself feel pain? Do I want to feel nothing more than my own pity? Am I just scared, and therefore, unrational? Am I just looking for an excuse to avoid responsibility?

I hear that little voice that realizes things should be simple. This voice is very rational. It tells me that all I have to do is go out and get a job. It confirms that I'm just acting silly. That I just need to grow up, overcome whatever bullshit I'm inflicting upon myself, and succeed. At something. Baby steps. All it takes is baby steps. Start simple. Just 'look' for a job. Then start applying for jobs. Then start working. Then start an IRA. Save for a house. Start a retirement plan. Baby steps all lead to a higher goal.

Is it bad that success is not priority? At all? I'd be happy with just one small step into the right direction of growing up. In all honesty, if it weren't for the lack of money and feelings of guilt, I'd be more than content with being a useless bore.

You see, along with that little voice that encourages, is a louder voice that discourages. I often feel I am my own louder voice. I often feel that I set myself up for failure and heartache. Every bit of negativity is my own doing. I place blame. I destroy motivation. I crush dreams. I am the killer of morale.

I'm like Jack and Tyler Durden. Fighting it out to see which personality wins control.

I feel I can't really blame my brother, because he's only being honest and relaying the truth. But I hate the fact that he feels he needs to be the one to say it and that he says it so arrogantly. And I think that's what bothers me the most about the whole situation.

I ask myself, if I see the logic and stupidity in the way I'm acting, then why isn't the solution to simply change things? More importantly, I see the mistakes, so why can't I correct them? It's not like I'm completely oblivious.

So, in a nut shell... am I a glutton for punishment, inflicting my own emotional wounds? Or is there really something wrong with me?

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