Distance Within Reach May 27, 2003 - 6:19 p.m.

Last night after going to the store and getting some ice cream, we watched The Boondock Saints then played Super Monkey Ball 2. It was nice to have a day that we could spend together, not having to worry about going anywhere or doing anything else. Well, him not having to worry about that stuff. I never have to worry about it. Though it's less stressful, it can be boring.

He seems so distant anymore. Very preoccupied. But things have been different the past few weeks, since he started playing L5R (Legend of the Five Rings) again. It's taken a lot of his time. He's reconstructing his deck nearly every day. Trying to make it a winning civilization. One day it's great but he wants to change a few features, which completely fucks it up in the end. He got third place in a tournament this past weekend, then changed the deck around and couldn't win a single battle. So he's devoted so much time in trying to create something successful. He gets that way with new games. Even now he's like that with Everquest some times. Just, addicted. He'll be into it for awhile and it will most likely run its course. But for now, there's L5R as well as Everquest. Two things to balance around his work schedule.

Then there's time with me. I guess as long as I'm around while he's working on his deck, then that constitutes time together. Which isn't a bad thing necessarily. After all, I only watch movies. But you could be sitting right next to each other, and if the other person is off in some other world, then you technically aren't spending time together. You may as well be all by yourself. I'm a girl. I actually like receiving attention on occasion. Though I think I demand far less attention than your typical girl. I'm often content with the idea of just being in the same room with someone I care about. I just don't want it to become a habit. Like either person is taking the other for granted... like they'll always be there. Besides, I know it's only a matter of time before he's fine-tuned his deck to death and this obsession fades to just a hobby.

But of course, the self-loathing, self-doubting, low self-esteemed child within has to second guess every little action. Or non-action. Then the What If's of Doom arrive. What if he's so distant because of me? Maybe I'm at fault. What if he finds me annoying or boring or useless? What if he's simply tired of me and wants to move on, but doesn't want to face that moment of making the other person hurt? What if it's over and he's simply prolonging the inevitable? What if I'm being completely insane and girl-like by even considering these what if's at all?

This has actually bothered me to the point of dream invasion. There have been a few dreams this past week where our relationship has been on the brink of existence. One dream he was obviously pissed off at me for some reason. Then again, that was the same dream that ended up with me having a child that was being taken care of by a monkey and a demented maitre d' pulling a psychotic twist on the Mrs. Doubtfire story, the he/she chasing me around with a huge knife when I got home. But the other dream actually involved another girlfriend. As I was sitting right there with them, he had her sitting on his lap and she gave him some card that she made for him. A card that he read over several times before responding. And she received a world of compliments and teary eyes as that response. Which was then followed with a display of even more generosity on her behalf, as she gave him some huge gift that he was completely blown away by. She was pretty, sweet, smart, generous, fun... so many other adjectives that I only wish I could claim for myself. I woke up feeling pissed and jealous.

Is it my continual no job status? Does he feel like I'm being a useless, invasive leech? Am I a burden to him? Are there other things weighing on his mind that he isn't talking about? Money worries? Health? Or am I simply reading into something that isn't there? Is it simply a matter of a new obsession?

I've asked. I've asked point blank if he was annoyed with me or if there was anything bothering him. Of course, his answer was no.

I realize I'm acting silly. That I'm being a stupid little girl by simply thinking anything is terribly out of sorts. In actuality this entry is the most thought, aside from the dreams and a couple of voiced concerns to him, that I've put into it. I get a concern, ask if everything's okay, he says yeah, and that's that. If he says everything's fine, I'll believe him.

I'm just really bored and need something to write about. Blah, blah, blah.

'Give me something to write about!'

I guess I should also add that I've been in a really funky mood lately. Everything seems out of whack. Also... bad, horrible awful thoughts have been envisioned. Images involving blood, weapons, ambulances. Things that people shouldn't think. I'd make them stop, if I could.

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