Killing From the Inside September 10, 2003 - 9:44 a.m.

I figured I'd spare you the 'I feel like ass, oh boo hoo' entries. Therefore, few entries.

But that's been my current mood for... weeks? Maybe months. I just know I feel completely miserable and end up crying myself to sleep many nights.

When I started this diary, I was somewhat disappointed with myself, because I wasn't really including anything that I wouldn't say outloud. Which I think is stupid. A diary seems to be the exact place where you say the things that you can't verbalize. Where you go to get those emotions out. To bitch, even if you aren't that pissed. To scream, even if you aren't that mad. Just a place to release some emotions.

But then I realized I do have a few entries that include things I don't say aloud. Like the deal with wanting to cut. And how much of a disappointment I feel I am. And just how much I seem to dislike my mother. Chris gets to hear a little of that one, but not great amounts.

And though I like that I'm able to express myself without having someone look down upon me, I sometimes feel I need to actually say some of these things. To another person. Especially the idea of wanting to cut. Feeling like I need that, more and more lately, worries me. And if my mind is in that bad of a place, maybe I should talk about it to someone.

But how can I find a way to basically say 'I'm depressed and unhappy' but not make him feel that it's his fault? I don't want him to feel like he's let me down when, if anything, he's the only person/thing that seems to bring me anywhere close to happiness right now.

Yeah. That's right. I'm a big faker. I sit around and try to act like I'm not so sad... but I am. I laugh at the tv, but only when someone is around. In fact, I don't think I smile unless someone is in the room. And I'm not smiling because someone's around, I'm smiling to throw a facade onto my emotions. If I look happy, or at least not so sad, no one will say anything.

It's like at work... I'm sure you've read how much I hate my job. Despite that, I'm able to look at people and smile and joke and seem like I'm in the best mood and be completely friendly. But the second they're gone, I'm back to sullen face girl.

Speaking of work, I have to get ready. My mom should be here any second to get me. And as far as I know, I'm spending the weekend at her house.

On the plus side, I'll get to see Romeo and Twink.

But on the down side, not even that seems to cheer me up.

And for those of you that really know me, will read that and realize just how much these emotions are fucking with me.

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