Taking Advantage? September 26, 2003 - 7:24 a.m.

I've been working for about six months now at a job that I loathe immensely, and receive no satisfaction of being able to spend my paycheck on the things I choose. The entire time I've worked there, I haven't bought myself a single thing. Not even one lousy soft drink or candy bar.

This isn't so bad, because Chris buys food and will occasionally bring me little gifts like the recent book. But knowing that I personally don't have any bills, whatsoever, you would think I'd have either more money saved up or purchased some of the many things that I want or need. Like new glasses, a few books, and Angel season two. Also, I would be able to buy gifts when holidays come around, like our upcoming anniversary.

I already had nearly enough saved up for glasses, and the other things don't cost too much.

So why is it that I haven't been able to get them yet?

Because I'm too easy going and give everyone else my money. People that are too fucking stupid to deal with their own finances, then complain to me, knowing I'll help when I can. If it weren't for these people, I'd have thousands saved up, and that might even provide enough motivation for me to get a steady job and start driving and get my own place and all those things that I desire but can't seem to even start thinking about actually working towards.

And maybe I should just say no... Too bad... I've helped you enough. But I can't. Maybe I feel guilty for getting a 'free ride'. Yet at the same time, I don't see anyone else doing dishes and taking out the trash and offering to help with my laundry while I sleep and trying to remind me that other things need to be taken care of and cook more than one day a month, if that often. And I understand he has bills and I basically live here too, but that never seemed to be a problem before. The only thing I use here, that he pays for, is food. And though I can eat a lot, I really don't eat tons by other people's standards. Especially not recently. There's been this huge loss of appetite.

I think it just really bugs me when I sacrifice my check so that he doesn't screw his bank account over, then he turns around and comes home with a new cd or movie or more cards or eats out every day for lunch, and I get nothing. When I help him, then he does this, it feels like he's just spending my money.

And I can't blame him, because I offer the money to begin with. He even second guesses and askes me several times if I'm sure it's okay. I can't be selfish and say screw you, though I wish I could. He may not realize he's even doing anything, anyhow. And by helping financially it makes me feel a little less useless. Though I still can't help feeling I'm being taken advantage of or that my help is taken for granted.

And Chris isn't the only one... I've handed over hundreds of dollars to my mom. But she's trying to get caught up on bills and working hard to not lose the house. So that feels completely, undoubtedly justified. Especially now that she's working two and three jobs, actually putting forth the effort.

Maybe the fact that I can't even spend my own money is only adding to my inability to get a different job. To actually care enough to start looking in the first place. If I don't reap the benefits of the time put in, then of course it won't seem like it's worth any effort. Maybe this has been part of my problem all along.

My mind and emotions will react more to external stimulus than just the thought of 'I need to do this, this, and this'.

It's like with fire. You see fire. You know fire is hot, that it will burn you. You hear it in your head, it makes complete sense, this is the way it is. And no matter just how much you know this to be true inside your head, you still feel the need to reach your hand into the flame and test it. And it's not until you have that final experience, that reaction, that your brain fully understands the true meaning behind the thoughts.

So the more I actually experience the benefits of having a good job, getting out, and growing up... the more I'll become comfortable with the idea. Basically, if I can associate the ability to buy things and do what I need and want to do with working, then I'll be just dandy.

It all somehow makes sense in my head.

Now... just have to put it into effect.

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