'Face' the Fear March 10, 2003 - 4:01 p.m.

The dvd Chris recently bought, the one that I felt guilty for getting, was The Ring.

We had already seen The Ring, as stated here, so I knew I wouldn't be able to watch it again. Though I really wanted to. It was such an awesome movie. And I'm actually having to argue in my mind, because I want to own the movie on dvd. But that'd be silly, if I can't even watch the dumb thing. It scares me... that much.

It's not any imagery from the 'video'. It's not the actual story. It wasn't even the body in the well. And I could watch more of the 'girl-tv' scene than some of the earlier footage. The horse thing was very sad, but it wasn't that either.

It's the faces. The whole reason I can't watch this movie is that there are at least three faces from the movie that are haunting me. And I do mean haunting. Everytime anyone even mentions the movie, american or japanese version, I get shivers and visions of the faces. Hell, I get visions of the faces without even thinking about it. There will just suddenly be a flash of the image in my mind.

Here's an example of just how fucked up I get when seeing these faces:
I'm standing in the kitchen, looking for food, and Chris puts the disc into the player. Hearing a noise that filled the once silent room, I automatically looked at the tv... RIGHT as the menu started loading and it included the face of the girl standing in the doorway.

I dropped. Right there, where I was standing. And I hid behind the cabinet door. I probably would have crawled into the cabinet itself, had it not been full of food. And I stayed in the kitchen, hiding from the glow of the television, until he turned it off long enough for me to come into the computer room.

And that wasn't even the 'bad' face. Just a bit of make-up and an expression.

Even from here, I knew when the closet scene was on. I yelled 'fuck you' loud enough so Chris could hear it, and he laughed. Psychic or neurotic, you be the judge. Chris just says I need help. I told him to fuck off.

And then people are telling me that I need to watch Ringu, the original japanese version. And all I'm hearing about it is that it's creepier. The faces are ickier. The girl is like, arthitic or something. I'm supposed to watch this creepy-ass movie, when I can't even watch the less creepy American version? HA! I don't see that happening.

So I start thinking... I'm the same way with the bathtub scene in The Shining. The first time I saw that movie, I was only twelve. It's one of my favorite movies. But to this day, my eyes are clamped until that scene is over. I'm almost that way with The Exorcist too. But I've gotten used to it. Sometimes when watching it, my skin may crawl, but it's now watchable. In fact, when Chris and I saw it in theatres, I was laughing almost the entire time. Although, the crabwalk face kinda gets to me. And the random flashes of ghosty faces are creepy. But those are only in 'The Version You've Never Seen', which is the one I have on dvd. Now, I can't think of any non-horror movies that have faces that creep me out. So maybe it's only when the faces are taken in a certain context.

Then this gets me thinking even further. Why is it that these faces mess with my head, yet other faces like Krueger have no affect on me?

Originally, I chalked it up to the typical childhood torment from a much older brother. You see, my brother used to chase me around while wearing a very realistic devil mask. Well, realistic to an eight year old. There were so many occasions where I'd be in my own world, playing with Happy Meal toys or whatever, then I'd suddenly look up and there he was creeping towards me with that hideous mask on. And I'd scream like the little girl I was. My mom had to take that mask away from him several times. But he always found it. And he always found me afterwards.

But it eventually got to a point that I would hurt him every time he did this. Kick him. Scratch him. Punch him. Whatever it took. Then he would say things in his normal voice [mostly 'ow' and 'shit'] and I would associate the common voice I already knew with the mask, and seeing him take the mask off, so the event became less traumatic. So much that I began just saying 'hi' to him when he put the mask on. It became no big deal. He couldn't scare me with it. He lost his fun.

So this couldn't be the cause. If this were the reason for my fear, then there would have been no getting over the mask.

Then, out of no where, it hit me. The reason.

I was five. It was late at night. I think I had already fallen asleep. My mom and brother were in the room beside mine, which we had made into a family room with tv and couches. Also the room my mom typically fell asleep in.

Next thing I know, I'm waking up, it's still late. The dog is barking, but being silenced by my brother. And I here him and my mom talking. Someone is outside our house.

I can't remember exactly, but I heard things along the lines of 'he's at her window' and something about make-up or a mask. I was crying and hiding under the blanket... part of me wants to say I may have been half-screaming as well. I was loud, I remember that, because my brother walked to my doorway and begged me to be quiet. Whoever was outside was at my window after hearing me, and I heard them say so. Which only caused me to be even more scared.

I also remember the phrase 'he had a weird face' which I believe was their way of telling me he had painted it or put a mask on. But of course, not having seen it, I always imagined the worst.

And that worst has always haunted me. I always have that memory of someone lurking around our house, peering into our windows, and planning who-knows-what. And more importantly, that face. That evil, menacing face that I created in my own imagination. That horrible face that will always be associated with the idea of someone possibly breaking in.

That lonely little memory seems to be the motive to two of my nightmares. One, the idea of someone breaking into to our house, or simply invasion. Peering in the window is an invasion of privacy.. and that idea gives me the wiggins. Big time. And nightmare number two, faces. Those creepy, disgusting faces that started this whole entry. Those faces that take the joy out of watching movies like The Ring.

So I guess this is what PTSD is like. Guess I said I wanted my own label. Now I've got one.

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