The Fall of Genetics October 05, 2002 - 9:04 p.m.

I hate feeling the way I do. I feel likes it's wrong of me. As though I'm being a horrible heartless person.

She comes within a foot of me and I move back.

She lays her hand on my shoulder and I whince.

She talks and I'm annoyed. I often ignore her words.

But I rationlize that in my mind by saying she doesn't talk to me but AT me. She just talks, simply for the sake of talking. Example... she'll ask me questions about my day or whatever then not bother pausing or listening to the answer. There's just something about the way she acts that says she doesn't really care, she's just wanting to fill a void brought on by a lack of people in her life. A severe lack of people.

And she doesn't try to change this.

She's slowly becoming the bitter old lady that loathes social interaction.

I find myself being very short with her. Granted, in many situations, she's brought it on. But I feel it's become more habit now.

And what makes me feel worse... I don't feel that I should change the way I act. You can't change how you feel about people.

I try to be more accepting, but it's just so damn frustrating. I do make the attempt to be nicer to her. More understanding. Tolerating.

As much as I find myself disliking her, it really hurts when I see that look of loneliness in her face. I know it's not my fault, because she doesn't make a single attempt to be around people.... but I don't think I help.

There's so many things that bother me about her. A huge running list that things are added to daily. And not just little things like leaving dishes in the living room or some crap. Big things like lies and the possible onset of alzheimers.

And the thing that bothers me the most... is that I'm going to be just like her when I grow up.

That's where my genes are, after all.

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