Dream 2001-11-13 - 6:08 p.m.

So I had this fucked up dream last night. Of course, I don't remember all of it.

The main part I remember, is that I was going to get married. Yeah, me. Early on, I was going to marry someone that I had gone to school with. Don't know what that was all about.... but then he changed into my current boyfriend. Same marriage though. *shrugs* But, the weirdest part about this marriage thing, is that I kept going along with it. Making everyone think I was soo happy about it. They all wanted it more than I did. I didn't want to hurt anyone by telling them the truth.

I remember we were going to some foreign country to marry... and honeymoon. My mom was going to miss the wedding cause she couldn't afford the plane ticket, but she let me know just how excited she was about it all.... almost in a forceful, pushy way... if that makes sense. And as my boyfriend and I drove away from her (he was sooo excited too) I just remember thinking 'When will I tell him??' And in my mind that I'd be giving up this wonderful vacation, and mansion... did I mention the random mansion in a foreign country that will be part mine when I marry him? Well, there is. It was nice.... and I was actually planning on pretending to be happy, just so I would have something nice like that. Awful, I know.

Then we drove off the road, onto the shoulder... and I thought for sure he was gonna say 'Okay, what's wrong' or 'You don't really wanna do this, do you?'...... but there was just car trouble.

Dream gap..... don't know what happens...

I'm sitting in my shithole of a house. I'm guessing this is either part of a differnt dream, or I've told him I don't want to marry him, and now I'm home alone. Someone pulls into the driveway.... Two people that I've never actually met, but know. The female gets out of the car and knocks on the door, while the male stays in the car. I'm looking out the window at them, pretending not to be home. They drive away, and I realize I wanted to talk with them.... I watch the car and they go to a house at the end of the street. I get my stuff together (my elusive backpack, for some reason) and walk down to that house. I walk up to the door, which is open, see them sitting there, and turn around. As I'm walking away, I remember asking myself why I'm leaving.... I really wanna meet this person finally. Very badly. But I'm scared to. And that person's very sad that I wasn't there to meet them...

The really fucked up part of all this..... I experienced feelings and confusion that I go through everyday. That normally never happens to me in dreams. So I can't help but wonder if this is brought on by emotions I'm coping with in a conscious state? Or, I guess the better thing to say, is NOT coping with. I have issues like the next person, but I'm afraid to voice them in any way whatsoever, because then they might become full on problems. They're safer as tiny issues in my head that no one knows about.

For now.

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