The Double Life January 16, 2004 - 6:50 p.m.

I spent the last day and a half at Becky's. We went to her ultrasound yesterday and they got a shot of the baby's face. She was blinking and opening and closing her mouth. I think she was trying to stay, "Stop pushing on me, bitch!" But it's hard to read lips when there's membrane and skin in the way.

She is now full term and dilated 2 centimeters. When doing the examination, the doctor was actually able to tap the baby on the head. Which surprised even him. So she could go into labor any day now. In fact, as she was bringing me home, she could feel some small contractions. But the doctor warned her about those and said she may experience those for a week before anything actually happens.

Everyone keeps making the remark of 'Oh, what if you have her on Sunday!?', because Becky's birthday is Sunday. Mother and daughter sharing a birthday. That's just too much sharing and bonding. At this point, though, she doesn't care. She just wants her out. The sooner, the better.

And I think I'm allergic to her house. That night, after I'd slept for an hour or so, I suddenly woke up with a really sore throat and a horribly stuffed up/runny nose. It wasn't any fun and only got worse by this morning. And oddly enough, it already feels a little better. My nostril is nearly clear and my throat just feels funky.

Her roommates are complete messes and her brother is useless, so it's no surprise that she's not even wanting to take Hallie - baby's name - into that house once she's born. And if I started feeling all crappy from being there after just a few hours, then taking a baby there would definitely not be a good thing. She's now desperately trying to find a new place to live, and she may not have much time left to do it.

If I thought Chris would be okay with the idea of cleaning out and giving up these two rooms, I would see if she wanted to stay here for awhile. At least until she could find something else. But I don't know that he'd be too keen on the idea. Mostly because of all the crap in either room that he would have to go through and find a place for. Crap that isn't even his. Plus there's the thing about having his computer and a tv set up in this room, and not having a place for both in the master bedroom. Not to mention at least three pieces of big furniture that are taking up space. Besides, even if he did say it was fine and would like the idea of having someone help pay the bills, I don't think he could get the rooms together in time. Then there's the other things, like dealing with a baby and Becky smokes so she'd have to go outside. And his mom randomly comes by, and she would need a place to sleep. And there's probably other things that I'm not considering. But it doesn't really matter as it's not my place so I can't extend the invitation anyhow.

As for me, my mind has been wandering as usual. It keeps taking me to places that at the moment feel like memories and even causes my heart to skip a beat, until I realize they aren't real experiences. Only daydreams or wishful thinking. It's like I have this other, contentful life while I'm asleep, and these flashes are memories from it. And again, I can't remember any details. The main feeling I've gotten lately is that I'm traveling. Seeing the world. Being a tourist. We were driving down the road last night and I was just staring out the car window and this creekstone wall was running along the side of the road and it made me think of some area in another country that I had visited and I remembered the trip with fondness.

But, um, I've never been out of the country.

So, yeah. I'm just waiting for the day that that side of my life takes over and I'm living it far more than this one, until this one finally fades away into oblivion. Of course, it'd be best if they just merged and I could remember this stuff and realize that they are, in fact, real memories.

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