You Covet What You See February 25, 2003 - 6:52 a.m.

I find myself being jealous, of all people that I could possibly hold jealousy for, of the ones that have diseases. I'll be watching various shows and they'll talk about people with diabetes, anorexia/bulemia, cancer, etc. And part of me wishes it were me. That I had the disease, and not them.

That I had an excuse to be the way I am.

If I were anorexic, then I would at least know that's my problem. I could go to a doctor, say 'I have an eating disorder', be treated for it, and move on with my life.

Hell, I even covet the small things like the flu.

"Take this prescription and stay in bed. You'll be fine in a week or so."

At least with the diseases that have labels, you know. You know you can either fight it, depending on the severity of the disease, or that you have a shorter estimated time to live. You know that the reason you do the things you do, are caused because of the disease. You know why things feel wrong. There are explanations involved.

Without that disease... when things are wrong... where's the explanation? The excuse? Where's the reasoning that makes things okay to be like this?

See, I'm jealous of the people that have diseases, because the disease gives them the okay to feel horrible. It's expected, even.

Why can't I have the okay to feel like shit? Instead, I get the 'you have to be strong'.. or 'you have to just make yourself'. It sounds so simple, I know.

Logically... I guess this is just me fishing for excuses. An easy out. I'd rather be sick and have an excuse for uselessness, instead of being useless and labeled 'lazy'.

Or so it would seem.

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