The Cottage Cheese Effect July 28, 2004 - 2:23 a.m.

I've been long annoyed that I'm not in the best physical shape anymore. I think I was at my best when I lived out at the lake, mainly because I walked nearly every day and almost never ate fast food. I keep telling myself I need to eat better and start exercising, but it never lasts long.

Typically, if I say any of that stuff, people roll their eyes at me. I’m constantly be told that I need to eat something. Not from people that are around me regularly, of course, because they see just how much I can eat. These other people, though, don't seem to realize it's okay to be skinny, as long as it isn't unhealthy. I eat, so it's healthy. In fact, I eat too much and don't exercise... which is unhealthy itself. At least I'm not anorexic or bulimic, though.

Because I'm so small - 5'1" and about 115-120 lbs, and people don't believe that the weight is that high - I can never make a comment about needing to eat better or needing to exercise. Everyone always seems to get annoyed with me, simply because I have good metabolism. When the topic of diets come up, and I mention that I want to tone my stomach, I get eye rolls and accusatory stares like I have no right to want to improve my physical shape. I have people telling me I’m lucky because I don’t have to do anything to be skinny, but they don’t realize that that is exactly how most skinny people stay skinny.

I'm skinny. I know it. I don’t have delusions that I’m obese, or even just fat. It’s just that it’s easier to maintain an ideal shape or weight as opposed to losing weight after gaining. Is it so wrong of me to want to make things easier on myself by toning what I have instead of letting things get out of control and then worrying about how to fix it?

I hope not, because that’s a stupid, ass backwards way of handling things.

Why is it an insult or bad joke when a skinny person exercises or eats well?

Is it simply based on the jealousy factor? The people that have told me I need to eat something are admittedly heavy people. Do they want more people to be their size so that they don’t feel so large themselves? Or when the topic of diets comes up, and I add my own intentions… do they feel like I’m flaunting my tiny waste by even commenting? I certainly don’t intend to.

Just because I’m skinny, it feels my own physical complaints aren’t important. They’re quickly dismissed. “She’s so skinny, what is she worried about?” I’m worried about maintenance. I’m worried about keeping things in control. I’m worried that I’ll end up like a statistical American if I continue to sit on my ass and eat shit.

If I were 70 pounds and complaining that I was too fat, then you should be worried. But I’m a normal girl at a normal weight, and there’s not a damn thing wrong with wanting something better. Besides, I’m not wanting to lose weight. I couldn’t care less how much I actually weighed, as far as numbers are concerned. It’s all about toning and muscle mass. Having that washboard stomach and ‘Buns of Steel’. It’s purely a superficial looks thing.

Thankfully, I have Chris. He’s honest with me. I ask if he thinks I’m looking fatter, and he honestly tells me ‘yes’. He certainly doesn’t have any room to complain himself. After all, he’s one of those statistical Americans. But I appreciate that he’s able to nicely tell me the truth. Now, if only I could get him to walk… we’d both be better off.

I’ve always thought my thighs looked big. Since my early teens years. They aren’t so bad when I’m standing, but when I sit down… Yikes. They just seem to flatten and spread. I once had a pair of thigh high fishnets that were elastic at the top. The first time I wore them, the elastic stopped working after I sat down for a bit. That’s not supposed to happen. Also, since my teens years, I’ve actually had stretch marks on the inside of my thighs. People don’t believe that one, either.

I’ve recently noticed my ass is starting to sag a bit. Slowly becoming a little less round and a little more square. Early stages though. Probably not anything noticeable by anyone other than myself.

I still have a general hour glass waist, but the ‘pudge’ is making its appearance more and more known. Mostly in the front. The sides are only noticeable if my pants are too tight and I’m wearing a short shirt. Which pretty much never happens. This is the main area that I want to work on. If I could flatten it and elongate the ab muscles, that would so rock. And if I start now, it should be early enough that the goal would be easier. Provided I get my ass in gear and stick to a workout.

In all three areas, there is that lumpy issue. You know, cellulite; the cottage cheese effect. Again, been like that for as long as I can remember. Except on the stomach, that’s a recent acceptance. If I could get rid of that, I’d be a happy camper.

See, reasonable stuff. It’s not like I’m looking for a complete overhaul here. And I’m realistic about what I have versus what I want. I’m not looking to be crazy skinny or anything. Just… better. I want to wear belly shirts and not feel offensive. I want to wear jeans that fit, and not have fat, however small, hanging over the edge. Also, I want better posture. I slouch like mad, and stronger ab muscles would help that.

So, I want to walk more. I’d love to walk around the block every evening. But I feel retarded doing that alone, and Chris won’t go with me. Though he said he should and will one day. He knows he should walk. He has the intentions. But never the follow through.

Because of my re-re outdoor fears, I’ve decided long ago that I want a treadmill. That way I can walk while I’m watching TV, listening to music, or reading. And I won’t have to leave the house. Mom says someone she knows will give us one of those Gazelle machines. Cheesy infomercial exercise machine, but very close to the style of a treadmill. I could go for that.

In the meantime, I’ve not exercised. Not walked. Not a sit up. Not a squat. Not even a good stretch.

Tonight, I randomly felt like jogging in place.

I set my stopwatch. I stood in the hallway. And I jogged.

For a whole two minutes.

And that last 30 seconds was kind of forced.

Maybe I have to slowly build up the endurance?

It may not have been much, but it was something.

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