The Wake Continues May 28, 2003 - 4:25 p.m.

This is a nice Buffy article from ScoopMe that is written more in appreciation of the effect that it had on the fans than the show itself. Any true Buffy fan might be interested in reading it, as I feel you can greatly empathize with at least some of what's being said.

Although, if you haven't seen the last few episodes, it does contain spoilers.

It's a Buffy the Vampire Slayer Wake!: Graduation Day
by Matthew R. Heitzer -- 5/28/2003

"I finally cried today.

I was walking down the street, listening to my iPod, and "Sacrifice" from The Gift came on. I didn’t even know it was in there. It was raining. It was night. The streets were empty. It was, dare I say, cinematic.

"Sacrifice" was always a moving piece of music, a modern day Barber’s Adagio, but smaller and more poignant for all it’s small screen intimacy. I don’t listen to it much, mostly because I can watch it whenever I want, and I forgot what it could do to me. But here it was, washing over my little scene, and I let the pensive notes turn the street into something else.

For a moment, they were all there with me. I imagined, despite myself, that I was with them. Not because I harbor ludicrous fantasies of entering their world, that was never me, but because they were part of mine.

Every Tuesday, the funny, the sad, the dramatic, the irrational, it all came to me, to all of us, and we lived it as our own. In our own way, we were all alone when it started, and this little piece of heaven brought us together.

I won’t question it anymore. It’s over, and we’ve all done what we’ve done. We all felt what we felt, and we keep on feeling what we feel.

Back then, on the street in The Gift, Buffy’s friends gathered around her lifeless body. Their center had fallen, and they were all just. so empty. It was so final. So wrong. Buffy was gone and she wasn’t coming back. It was such a powerful moment, when it happened, but we knew it wasn’t over. We knew Willow would do something. Joss had promised us.

But not this time.

This time, Buffy really is gone. She really isn’t coming back.

When it hit me, really hit me, the tears came, and I finally understood why.

It was never just a show.

Not to us.

Lock us up. Make us well. Do whatever you think is necessary, but let us grieve. Because, it isn’t fair. It didn’t have to be this way. It didn’t have to end. We weren’t ready, Joss. Why were you?

In the beginning, Buffy the Vampire Slayer was just a silly irreverent irrelevant movie that bore no sign that it would spawn an emotional phenomenon that would last seven glorious years. It should have ended there, and, if it had, there was no one in the world, not even Joss Whedon, who would have noticed.

When BtVS debuted on a silly irreverent irrelevant network, we probably shouldn’t have been there. I still don’t even know why I was watching. I just was. I remember the night clearly, for no earthly reason. I can recall sitting on my couch in Atlanta flipping channels after dinner, desperate to ignore my Law School homework, and there was Nerf Herder singing over a setting sun.

I didn’t recognize anyone, save the mousy red head, and I wasn’t really sure about the blonde in the lead or the fabricated teenage joviality. I didn’t speak Buffy yet, and many of the speech patterns seemed forced and other-worldy. But I saw something in that Xander, recognized something personal in his version of high school, so I stayed.

I came back the following week, and the week after that.

It wasn’t very good, at first, but you could sense the potential. There was something about each of them - Sarah, Anthony, Nicholas, and Allyson - that told you they would be worth growing with. By Prophecy Girl, I was officially hooked. It was still raw, but I saw in SMG the beginnings of something special.

Buffy: So that’s it, huh? I remember the drill. One slayer dies the next one’s called. I wonder who she is. Will you train her, or will they send someone else.?
Giles: Buffy, I...
Buffy: Did it say how he’s gonna kill me. Do you think it’ll hurt? Don’t touch me. Were you even gonna tell me?....
Giles: I was hoping I wouldn’t have to, that there was some way around it.
Buffy: I’ve got a way around it, I quit.
Angel: It’s not that simple.
Buffy: I’m making it that simple. I quit, I resign, I’m fired. You can find someone else to stop the master from taking over.
Giles: I’m not sure that anyone else can. All the signs indicate...
Buffy: The signs? Read me the signs! Tell me my fortune! You’re so useful sitting here with all of your books!Tou’re really a lot of help.
Giles: No , I don’t suppose I am.
Angel: I know this is hard.
Buffy: What do you know about this? You’re never gonna die.
Angel: You think I want anything to happen to you, huh? Do you think I could stand it. We just have to figure out a way...
Buffy: I already did. I quit, remember? Pay attention!
Giles: Buffy, if the master rises...
Buffy: I don’t care! I don’t care. Giles, I’m sixteen years old, I don’t wanna die.

That was it. That was the moment when Buffy stopped being just a show and started becoming something more. I suspect many of us were turned at this same moment.

We were different people when this story began, shadows of who we now are...

I wrote those words last week, I meant them for us, but they apply just as much to Buffy, Willow, Xander, and Giles. They barely resemble the characters we first met, for they have grown.

My god, have they grown.

Giles, our father. In the beginning, The early incarnation of Rupert Giles was that of a foppish and stuffy bore, who was clearly in over his head. He was overeager and under prepared, and definitely not the type to handle a wildly independent teenage girl. Giles openly admitted that fighting was a job for the slayer and that his expertise would be in books and training. He would be the insider, working to mold the ultimate outsider into a warrior.

By the end, Giles lived as much outside the establishment as Buffy. Fired and disgraced as a Watcher, his paternal love for Buffy would be his signature feature. Willing to lay down his life for her above all else, and revealed as quite the accomplished warrior himself, Rupert Giles ultimately represented a complicated and flawed father-figure.

By all accounts, Buffy taught Giles as much Watcher instructed Slayer, but his lessons from her were in loyalty and bravery. His Slayer constantly surprised him, with her heart, with her skill, with her need to heal the wounds in those around her, and, by doing so, she elevated him above his stated calling.

As the Council saw it, the Watchers were keepers of a tradition and a mission, but, over the years, they lost touch with the human element. Their Slayers were weapons which could not be allowed to think and grow as normal girls do. It would be a danger to the cause.

But in Buffy, Giles recognized something above her calling as chosen one, which, instinctively, he knew would make all the difference. Buffy was never like what he was told to expect, and once he embraced her unique gifts, the pairing became capable of all they ultimate achieved.

Giles also allowed himself to be a man, again. He reasserted his humanity into his mission, and it changed him a great deal. His anger at Angel for the killing of Jenny Calendar, his standing up to the Council and subsequent firing, his brutal handling of Ben in The Gift, his difficult decision to teach Buffy the final lesson of independence by leaving her for England, his attempted assassination of Spike, his entire handling of Willow in the last few seasons....all of this existed outside the pages of his Watcher’s handbook.

These were his choices. This was Giles taking responsibility for his own life. Buffy’s sacrifces, her determination, her stubbornness, her quest for normalcy, illuminated for Giles the blurred lines of his mission. And now, at the end, he is handed the opportunity to take these lessons and apply them to a new generation.

Still, nothing defines Giles more than his pure love for Buffy. She truly is the child he might have known. All he ever wanted for her was happiness. Can you picture Giles in your head, ten years from now, walking Buffy down the aisle in at her wedding? Can you see the absolute joy in his tearful eyes?

But, that’s it. isn’t it. That’s who he was to us. He was the father we always wanted. This is no disrespect to our own, but his total acceptance and support of Buffy - the ultimate misunderstood freak growing up in a cruel and confusing world - was too real and heartfelt to ignore.

More than anything else, I’ll miss that love, that paternal guidance and absolute sense of sacrifice, even if it meant abandoning or openly countermanding his child, that made Giles the best dad millions of television viewers could ever hope to have.

Willow, our best friend and sister. As far as Giles has come, it pales in comparison to dear sweet Willow Rosenberg. In the beginning, Willow was the nerd sidekick, all brains, not backbone. In the beginning, she was the shy outsider who put herself in harm’s way just to impress the new girl who paid her some attention. But for Buffy, but for the Hellmouth, human Willow would have gone on to MIT or Harvard or some such ridiculous institute of higher learning. She would have written fantastic and elaborate computer programs that would have cured the world’s ills in painful pinks with childish designs.

More than anyone else, Willow was transformed by Buffy and the world in which the slayer lived. Exposure to countless evils and perils finally seeped into our gal, and, purely through the need to contribute and defend herself when the fit hit the shan, she took up magic.

I often wondered about Willow’s abilities in the Wiccan world. It is clear that we are to believe that Willow’s gift with magic places her in the upper echelon of witches in the world. There are few, if any, that can rival her abilities by the end of Season 6. But, I never understood if this was due to her innate capabilities or to her boundless exposure to the darkest magics and most obscure texts. Someone needs to ask Joss.

What is interesting is how we never noticed her progression until after it happened. Willow seemed to dabble until she restored Angel’s soul at the end of Season Two, when something seemed to pass through her. Fueled by the residual magic left behind from that experience, her abilities leapt forward, but it all seemed natural given how necessary her magical contributions seemed to be. Giles and Buffy forced Willow to evolved quickly because they always needed her to, never attempting to keep her in check until it was too late.

One of my deepest regrets was that Willow’s heel turn came so late and lasted so short. I would have enjoyed a solid half year of Willow as Big Bad. This would have severely tested Buffy’s commitment to her chosen path, particularly coming on the heels of her painful resurrection. A full on embrace of Willow’s darker half - so well alluded to in Dopplegangland (brilliant early foreshadowing of Willow’s two transformations) - would have been riveting television, but would also have brought the evil Angelus story line of Season two full circle.

Haven’t we all, after all, experienced that particular pain of losing a childhood friend to a new crowd?

Willow’s other "change," the emergence of her lesbian life style, was equally interesting. It has been noted that, while it lasted, the Tara-Willow relationship was one of the most open and touching gay pairings on television. Joss shied away from nothing. Not to get into the politics of it now - I made that mistake in September - but Tara’s death and Willow’s subsequent rage overshadows a solid gay relationship that went very far in depicting the healthy love (and sex) and a pair of women may enjoy in this world.

I wonder, though, what would have happened if Scott Evil wasn’t such a huge hit? Would Seth Green have stayed? If he did, would Willow ever have turned? Would it have been Oz getting shot through that window?

Unfortunately, we’ll never know.

More unfortunate, however, was the whimper with which Willow went out. Season Seven was not Willow’s best. Her reluctance to embrace magic again was a nice story idea, but it was never explored properly. Her desire to move on - as a lesbian - and find a new relationship, was definitely hindered by the choice of partner (die Kennedy, die!). And, by the end, her big magical redemption was almost an afterthought. Her fear of doing the spell never came across, and no one ever really believed that Kennedy would have to put her down.

A two hour season finale might have helped with that.

Lost too, and this is most significant, was the best friend bond between Buffy and Willow. The fact is, by the final curtain, they weren’t best friends anymore. They had moved on in life, seeking out parallel but separate courses in life. Buffy’s inner demons - dying, Spike - were topics that were too foreign to Willow. Willow’s struggles - sexual identity, trying to destroy the world - were equally confusing to Buffy. They were best friends, by the end, simply because they had to be, not because they chose to be.

There is nothing wrong with this, however. How many of us have lost touch with our closest friends from high school? Mine moved to Los Angeles, works in "The Industry," and has many many connections that would be useful to someone like me, particularly at a time when I really need the help. I’d bet my life savings he hasn’t read a single one of these articles.

We used to play basketball in the rain everyday after school. We used to cut school on Fridays to see big movie releases together, not because we hated school, but because we loved blockbusters so much.

Now he dates Asian women exclusively, has a cell phone imbedded in his ear, and actually liked Spider-man.

So, for Buffy and Willow to grow apart is natural. It just seems strange to me that the story line was rarely overtly mentioned. Other than The Yoko Factor, it was never more than a background theme. But this is Joss’s genius, isn’t it? This is just one more thing for us to revisit and digest on DVD for the next few years. When I have the full seven seasons, I might even do a paper on it.

My final word on Willow is just this: I loved her, and I will miss her, silly shirts, doubting pouting lip, and all.

Xander, our best friend and brother. We hold in our hearts a most special place for Xander. Everyone loves Xander, and everyone sees in him something of ourselves. For starters, he was the human one, the mortal one, the one who sees. Xander was the role we could all step right into. He had no powers, no gifts, he not only wasn’t special, he was painfully ordinary.

In the beginning, Xander was the clown who covered his insecurities with his humor. All he ever wanted was to fit in. That his niche was helping special people save the world was a testament to his heart and his inherent bravery. That Buffy entrusted Dawn with his life in the end - twice - is a testament to how much he was recognized for his courage and manhood by the end.

My favorite episode of the entire series is "The Zeppo." A great deal of this is because of how funny and well done it is. It’s greatness is in no small part due to Nicholas Brendan’s oft under appreciated talent for comedy. But the true measure of this offering is the story itself. Xander became a man that day, and none of his friends got to see it.

Xander’s maturation occurred in isolation. Left to his own devices, he literally saved the lives of his friends, and he never even told them about it. Forced to work on his own, we slowly watch him realize that he doesn’t need help. He tries on several occasions to get it, but each time he is turned away, he grows more and more into a man. By the end of the episode, Xander is confident in his place as a champion, and nothing ever gets in his way again.

His losing his virginity to Faith was symbolic of all of this, by the way, and a nice way for Joss to put the exclamation point of his coming of age. That it should come during rough sports sex, where he was an afterthought to the entire process, mirrored the trials he went through during the night. His maturation was sudden and dangerous and brutal.

From that point on, Xander was a rock, and many have speculated that he would make a fine watcher. His speech to Dawn about how the two of them being the ones who see - coupled with Dawn’s self-proclaimed elevation to Watcher Junior - were nice ways of Joss to let them in on their unseen future. It would not be shocking for us to learn that Xander and Dawn functioned as Watcher’s #2 and #3 under Giles in the near future, and I can see the two of them leading the organization for the next forty years.

Joss always intended this to be part of the message. Mere mortals are just as important in the fight against the world’s wrongs. We cannot leave the fights that need fighting up to the specially abled, for, if we do, nothing will get done.

The single most shocking thing to happen in BtVS, in my opinion, was Caleb phhfft phhfft phfftttting out Xander’s eye. It was shocking because Xander represented us, and Joss just wounded ever viewer and reminded them of their mortality.

It was shocking, but it was honest.

Bad things happen to good people. Heroes make sacrifices. Sometimes those sacrifices are drastic. They will alter you forever.

Another beautiful thing about Xander is his choice for his true love. That he didn’t ever get to marry Anya is unfortunate, to put it mildly, but I laugh sometimes when I realize what Joss did with that relationship. For the women out there, let me bring you in on a not-so-well-kept secret: we think you’re crazy.

Not some of you. Not just our ex-girlfriends. But, all of you. Women are insane. They are odd, and they say things and mean things that make no sense whatsoever. We love you anyway, whether it be biological imperative or a sick need to torture ourselves or something less funny and more noble.

Anya was the perfect Buffyverse stand-in for that. Her name, Aud, said it all. Her inability to talk like a human, to feel like a human, to play by the rules - and her incredible desire to change all of this because of her love of Xander - just summed up every thought I’ve ever had about the opposite sex.

Xander wasn’t afraid to fight for what was right. He wasn’t afraid to love what he loved. He would have died for either, all the while possessing no more talent than you or I.

My dark horse candidate for a spin-off show, by the way, will always be Xander for these reasons alone.

Vampires with Souls, when boys turn into men. Angel and Spike. I could talk about these two all day. I already know that Kara is going to have a conniption fit over the length of this thing, and I haven’t even gotten to Buffy yet, but how could I cut them out?

This is a divisive topic to begin with, because there are clearly two irreconcilable camps here. Angel vs. Spike. Which one was better for Buffy? Which relationship was more real? Who loved her more? Who did she love more? Who did she want more at the end?

For my money, it doesn’t matter (though the answers are Spike, Angel, Spike, Angel, and Spike). I was never a shipper for either of them, and I was never against either relationship. I actually believe that there was room for both of them in the Buffyverse and they both were very real and powerful relationships within the givens of the Buffyverse. Some people have problems with the fact that Buffy could love both vampires that had a soul, but I definitely disagree.

Both of them, each in very different ways, were boys (vampires) who grew up to be men (ensouled vampires), their childish animalistic ways replaced with a greater purpose. Angel’s soul was imposed upon him, and his was always at odds with who he was because of it. Spike sought his out, out of love, but it came after too much Buffy-related evil.

There is a paper here as well, about Joss’ intentions concerning love, trust, and adulthood in relation to the soul, and, perhaps I will write that too. I will save most of my thoughts for that day, but I do have a few personal points to make.

James Marsters was a superior actor that never got his due. His speech at the end of Beneath You still makes me...feel. There is no other word for it. I don’t cry, I don’t say a word, but it just tugs on my very being, directing me into their world.

I know Spike isn’t going to stay dead, and I’m grateful for that, but I also still can’t get over his sacrifice at the end of the series. I can’t get over his last words to Buffy, her admission to him in the end, his denial of it all.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that, while I always felt Buffy’s pain in her relationship with Angel - when he turned evil, when she killed him, when he left for L.A. - I never felt Angel’s pain where his love of Buffy was concerned.

Spike, on the other hand, made me feel every drop of it, and, more than anything else, it is that powerful love and sacrifice on his part that forms my final impression of the series.

It is Spike that I think of when I hear "The Sacrifice" in my head, and it is his loss that makes me want to cry.

Buffy, our hero. Joss wanted a show about girl empowerment, but he wanted it in terms never really explored before. This wouldn’t just be about a girl who could kick ass. This was about a girl struggling with growing up in very real terms, whose gifts and talents could not protect her from the anxiety of maturing in a world that makes no sense.

We all felt that way, that, no matter how capable and special and gifted we were in our own way, we were still fighting uphill against seemingly impossible odds. We would never fit in. We would never be loved. We would never find happiness. That was high school, and the analogies were perfect. Then we hit our twenties, and we discovered that, not only didn’t things get easier, but that the stakes were always getting higher.

That Buffy would experience everything we felt and have the power that she had only made it all the more poignant. It made us connect with her even more.

From the beginning, Buffy had two quests: to protect the world, and to live a normal life. From the beginning, these two ideals would be at constant odds with each other, and it wasn’t until the final moment of the final show did Buffy realize that they had finally come to pass as one.

That Buffy should find a life in front of her without prophecies, without destiny, and to have truly earned it by beating back the very worst evil in our time of darkest need, is, while lacking in drama, the most fitting end to the show. That we could all imagine a different future stretching out in front of her, filling it with visions of her backpacking through Europe, opening a book store in Idaho, or going back to school, is also fitting. She was always the fulfillment of our biggest wishes, to have the power to make a difference and the character to do the right thing.

From the beginning, Buffy Summers was unlike any television character I had ever seen before. What she experienced over her seven year run was unlike any character arc that proceeded it. To talk about it, to mention even a handful of its most important moments only does it disservice.

She is the center of everything to this world. Her pain, the lessons she learned, the sacrifices she made, these were the plot points of an entire universe. To recount her life, is to recount the entire episode log, and I can’t do that here.

What I will say, is this. I am depressed that Buffy is gone. It hurts me in a place I cannot share with anyone but you. But, as upset as I am about Buffy leaving me, I am happy for Buffy. I actually don’t want to see her again. I want to believe that she just skipped off somewhere and had a nice long quiet life. I need to believe that all of the loss, all of the pain, all of the suffering earned her the right to retire, happy and safe, for the rest of her days.

I want Buffy back, but I’d prefer it without Buffy. Faith, Dawn, Willow, Giles, Xander, Andrew, and Spike still have stories left to tell. Some of them are closer to retirement than others, but, for some reason, their sacrifices aren’t complete. They still have work to do before they can lay down.

So, Buffy...go, be a normal girl, at last. My heart goes with you.

It’s All About Power. In the beginning, it was true. In the end, it was true. Maybe we lost it in all the drama at times, but it never left us. Joss wanted us to know that the power to choice your life’s path is always yours. Obstacles will get in the way, but you are the one who can make a difference.

At times, We were beaten over the head with this, particularly at the beginning of this season, and we debated over the specific meaning - in this case, Buffy imbuing the slayerettes with slayer power - but the deeper message has always been the obvious one.

I find it odd, when I explain to my civilian friends about my love of the show, that most of the best stories are sad ones. It is interesting that we should get so much pleasure and empowerment from a tale that is filled with so much loss, suffering and doubt. But that is the reality of life, isn’t it. We soldier on despite the pain. We overcome because our strength lies within us no matter what the universe slings at us.

Even at the end, the victory was bittersweet. Buffy’s newly earned freedom came at such a terrible cost. Girls were slaughtered. Anya died a painful and sudden death, and no one got to say goodbye. Spike is, to them, very dead. The entire town was swallowed into the ground. No one has a home. A bank account. A car. A job. As open as the future is, it is also overwhelmingly scary. All of these people have the opportunity to slip out of life and choose a new one, but the means and foundation to do so are lacking.

As relieved as they were to have lived and have saved the world, they will have a great deal of loss to process while moving into the unknown, but, yet, they were all happy. I do not think this can be explained away simply by their personal good fortunes to have survived.

Rather, I think they all recognize that they have the power to take their own lives and do what is right. For most, that will mean a continuation of service for the forces of good in the never ending struggle against evil. For some, it will mean a life of hard-won normalcy. either way, each knows they have the power. That nothing, not even the worst thing, can prevent them from controlling their own destiny.

Where do we go from here? I don’t know. It doesn’t seem right, that we should all just hug now and go home. I’ve graduated four times, from high school, from college, from law school, and from grad school. Every time it is the same. People come into your lives, friendships and relationships are forged. You see these people everyday, until, one day, it is all over.

People hug. They exchange promises. They make plans. But over time, most of it fades. I have friends I still see often from high school and college. There are friends from law school and grad school I talk to every so often. But it is a fraction of what once was. Most have faded into the recesses of my memory, only to be taken out like picture albums when a sight or smell calls them back.

Much is forgotten. Much is lost. Most of what remains exists only in stories told over a cold beer late at night to people who nod their heads and remember their own sad tales. Most of the stories cannot be appreciated because they needed to be experienced, lived, and shared to have real meaning.

It’s why they are just stories.

This is our graduation day, and it is all the sadder because I know what to expect out of it now. As much as Buffy means to me, as much as it has given me immeasurable joy, I know it has to fade with time.

What are we going to do?

Am I going to tell my future wife about the seven years I spent in front of the television, enriching my life. Unless she was one of us, she’d never understand, but what are the chances? If I told her, she’d think me crazy. It would make her worry.

Am I going to tell my children? Am I going to rock them to sleep at night and tell them fantastic stories of a girl I once knew? Will it be any stranger and outdated than the stories your grandfather told you about gathering around the radio and listening to old Lone Ranger serials?

These stories, they die with us. They fade with the living of our lives, to be taken out of hat boxes and steamer trunks on Sunday afternoons to fill the long dark tea times of our souls. As much as we try, we can never pass them on the way we want to. We can never will the people in our futures to feel for them as we do.

They had to be there to understand.

With us.

None of this is crazy. None of you are insane. We just knew something that others didn’t. We just lived something that others missed. It is their loss, their regret.

Which is why all of this - the show, this web site, these articles, these boards - were so important. This was our time. This was our secret. This was our life that got better with every passing Tuesday.

Don’t forget that.

Don’t let it go entirely.

Come back, sometime, in your mind, and remember how wonderful it all once was. Remember how sad it all was, how sad we all were.

How sad we all are.

Come back, because you have to acknowledge that it was real.

For them.

For us.

It’s time now.

This has run it’s course, and I’ve done all that I know how to do. I can’t say goodbye, and I will not usher you out the door. Stay as long as you like, look around as much as you want, and savor every precious moment of it.

I’ll leave the light on."

.: Googles .: Registered! .: For Sale .: My Store

Design :. Picture :. Trading Card :. Host :.