And the Spiral Descends January 28, 2003 - 3:12 a.m.

Why is it when things slowly start to look up, there's always someone there to step on your head and crush you back down?

I was actually starting to feel some slight motivation. Chris' mom works as a regional manager at Walmart and said she would put in a good word for me if I wanted to go work in the photo lab. Granted Walmart isn't my top job choice, it would be something that I can do momentarily for the simple idea of income. It actually sounds pretty cool, developing film and seeing so many different types of pictures. I'm sure there would be a few interesting stories, overlooking the typical finger-over-the-lens photos.

Just that little bit of confidence that I'm sure she didn't intend to mean more than a nice gesture, really made a world of difference. It had me thinking of all the other possible little jobs that I could apply for, and actually feeling the desire to go and apply. One example being, the new pet store opening near my house. Working that close to animals would be so awesome.

Just having those little thoughts of improvement that I've been missing for months... it was nice. Things started to become promising. I could just feel the motivation growing again. The want to be a better person and all that goofy crap.

Then my mom calls.

Now, I tend to begin my anecdotes of 'things are worse' by recapping something my mom has called and said. But this time it wasn't her fault. Well, it was, as she was the barer of the news. But it didn't originate with her. She was just sending me a warning because my brother is a critical, condescending asshair.

My mom has been really struggling with money. So much that she's had to ask me for money to help pay the bills. Granted, it's her own fault for not getting out and getting a 'real' job, it still doesn't change the fact that the bills need to be paid and as her children, my brother and I should help her. It takes a lot for her to ask for help. Especially financial help. So I'm guessing we're close to losing the house. That's the severity of her pride.

She asked me about a week ago if I could loan her some more money. Technically, I have about $3000 in the bank. Regardless of my working right now or not, I had money saved. The problem was, I don't really have the money. It was all in Chris' account and he's overspent even himself. So her loan depended on whether he had the funds to spare. Which he doesn't right now. He's still trying to regroup after Christmas. The big dumb retard.

So my mom tried calling my brother to ask him for help.

Notice, she came to me first. And this is only the second time she's asked my brother for money.

He tells her that he has to talk to his wife first and then he would call back. No problem. Completely logical and expected.

My mom has free passes to see a movie [The Recruit] and invites Chris and I. We go. Enjoy the movie. She gets home and there's a message from my brother. So she calls him.

His whole fucking purpose for calling was to ask why I'm not helping. Um... hello... I've already helped on several fucking occassions and I've done every little thing that I can to make things easier on her. If Chris hadn't overspent my money, then she wouldn't have had to call your sorry ass in the first place!

Oh, but wait, you wouldn't know this because you moved a trillion fucking miles away and rarely call and don't seem to care what we may have to be dealing with anyhow! You call to say 'Merry Christmas' and 'Happy fucking Birthday' or to make yourself feel like you have this happy little family that just loves to talk to each other every chance they get and everything is just hunky dory and Suzy Sunshine is queen of the ball.... but you never truly care when things are bad. You only criticize. It only matters when it affects your image of 'perfect family guy'.

Wake up, dickhead! Your dad was a gimp that died and never became more than an absentee, alcoholic father. My dad left us before I could even walk, so you never had a constant father figure around. Our mom struggled every fucking day to feed us. And you... you ended up in the 'bad' school, threatening your mother, picking on your sister, in jail, shooting yourself... shall I go on?? We were/are middle class, you fucktard. Sugarcoat it all you want, your past completely clashes with your 'new' image. You may have moved away, but you aren't escaping what you came from.

Woah.

That was.... um... a nice little rant there.

So anyhow...

My mom called him to have him go on for about 30 minutes of why I'm not helping or why I'm not working, why I'm at Chris' instead of at home. Etc. Etc. Etc. She was paying long distance charges to hear him bitch about me.

She tried defending me. Telling him that I had, in fact, helped very regularly. Explaining that my current job has had no work. (which excuses nothing but it's the truth) And I'm nearly 24 years old, I don't have to stay at home with mommy anymore. Most people my age have their own homes, away from parents. As far as he may know, Chris and I are living together, which may as well be the case as I only spend a day or two a week at home. If that. What business is it of his where I'm living anyhow?

He wants to just sit back and dole out commands, thinking he's all high and mighty and his word is law. He makes the plan and watches as everyone else follows it and does the hard work, then he takes credit for everything. Prissy little bastard doesn't wanna get his hands dirty.

Half an hour. Abasing me. And not even to my face. Which I'm actually thankful for. I can already hear his voice and the way he says things. Immediate degradation. Had I been on the phone, all this would have seemed even worse.

Often times, when someone asks the typical 'who do you look up to' question, I say my brother. But it's times like this that he's nothing more than an asshole that I want to forget even existed. He acts like he's Mr. Superior because he's overcome so much throughout his life.

The fact that he has overcome so much, makes me look up to him. The fact that he's demeaning, causes me to learn nothing from his good side.

My mom and I had a long discussion on the phone. It made her feel bad hearing what he had to say, and it wasn't even about her. I finally told her about feeling so useless lately. "Useless, worthless, and a burden on everyone." This made her cry, as she realized everything my brother had to say only magnified these feelings. There was nothing she could do to make me feel better. I'm back at the bottom, afterall. But I at least made her laugh, which certainly cheered her up for having one nice kid.

I expect an email any time now detailing the validity of my uselessness.

He'd better expect a reply detailing my excellent use of four letter words.

.: Googles .: Registered! .: For Sale .: My Store

Design :. Picture :. Trading Card :. Host :.