Biting the Bullet January 31, 2003 - 1:19 a.m.

So it looks like I won't get off so easily.

My brother called yet again tonight. Still telling my mom that I need to call him. This time she tried to ask why exactly he needed to talk to me so badly. And he confirmed my suspicions. He needs to tell me I am useless waste.

She told him I would email him. But he only repeated that we have to talk on the phone. Something about, he'd rather say what he needs to in 'person', not through email. Basically, he wants to have an argument with me and hear me cry so that he somehow feels like a better person. Apparently, he even sent a phone card with my birthday card. So I'll have no excuse...

Guess I'll have to bite the proverbial bullet.

This conversation can only go one of two ways. 1 - He says what he has to say as I sit in nearly complete silence, only uttering an occasional 'yes' to questions. Complete shutdown. Or, 2 - I get really fucking pissed off and he will hear me use words he never thought I would utter. Complete explosion.

Neither with good outcomes, I'm sure. Both involving my own tears, as I get very upset at the idea that I can become that angry. I've done it a few times. It's not pretty.

Thus, I am greatly hoping that a third outcome occurs. That would be me remaining calm and not letting anything he says get to me. Maybe spouting off a few insults and logic-ridden statements, simply to get my point across. But I'm almost dead certain that this circumstance is not my fate.

I don't know if this is the only thing affecting my mood lately, but I know it's at least a big part of it. I feel physically ill. It hurts beyond words. I feel like giving up in more than one way. And I don't like that feeling.

"Nikki, I need to talk to you. I put a calling card in your birthday card so you can call me from Chris's house without calling long distance. George"

I just know he's going to make me feel worse about every single thing I do. I can already feel it. And worse isn't any lower than where I am, so I'll simply be buried.

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