Failed Lesson in Morals 2001-12-14 - 5:17 a.m.

I was reading over some random diaries, just trying to kill time. Don't have a life of my own to write about, so I can at least read about someone else's accomplishments or traumas.

I was at the Unsent Letters site. Good stuff, you should check it out. Random people sending random letters they would normally not send to someone. Anyhow. So most of them have to do with 'I love... I didn't mean to sleep with him/her... I miss you...' Typical teen angst melodrama. It got me thinking... if I treated this like a real diary, then I would write about the stuff that bothers me. Not the tedious bullshit I've written already... but stuff that I don't tell anyone. Deep down stuff. I'm kinda scared to. I mean... what if a friend of mine were to come across this?? They'd know it was me instantly. And there's stuff I don't wanna admit to anyone, in my past. Regardless of the situation.

Now, it's not that I don't wanna admit it to another person. I don't even want to admit to myself that it's happened. Completely goes under the 'If you don't think about it, it never really happened' category. Okay, logically, I know that theory's not true. But I tend to live in my own little fantasy land anyhow, so it's possible for me.

*sighs* I'll take a big step for me and face the truth. While remaining vague.... Let's roll in the drama. It may not seem like such a huge deal to most people. But it annoys me... Basically, there are two people on my 'list' that I'd have removed if possible. (List... ya know... people you've done the horizontal hokie pokie with.) Actually, I'd remove all of them (4) and start over. Or just leave the most recent one on it. But those two..... I suppose everyone has their own mistakes. Although, it's more than 'What was I thinking?!'. The closest thing to explain it is 'OMG I'm a fucking idiot!!!'.

There's a horrible sinking feeling everytime I get a memory of it. I block it out as often as possible, but my own stupidity comes back to haunt me. Don't jump to conclusions... I don't regret this because I was seeing someone else at the time. That's not the case. I can proudly say I've never cheated on a boyfriend. (Yeah... all TWO of them. LOL) I think it's a matter of morals in this case. I've always felt kissing was such an important thing and means soo much. And sex... GEEZ. The emotional levels should be intense. But with those two....... that's not how it was. Then there's the actual people. UGH. One of them I just can't stand the site of now. The other... eh. Doesn't really matter either way.

It's odd. I still think of myself as the innocent, inexperienced little girl. But if I were SO innocent, I wouldn't have stuff like this bothering me. It never would have happened to begin with. Even though I still feel innocent... am I really? Huh. Now that I put it that way. Maybe that's what really bothers me about this whole thing. Just utter confusion on what kind of person this makes me. Just because I was that way then, doesn't make me the same person now. Maybe it was just a temporary personality switch. It did occur during a time of complete emotional chaos for me.

So... I'm gonna give up on this topic. I don't feel like pulling up these obnoxious memories anymore. I just needed to get this out there, for my own therapy. I know it's all jumbled and probably doesn't make much sense, but it helps me.

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