Stress Monster 2001-07-31 - 12:28 PM

So everyone experiences stress, it's like a right of passage or something. A long lasting right of passage. But that doesn't change its effect on people and their lives.

I've been pretty stressed lately. Well... for quite some time now. And I keep telling myself that it's normal shit and to not worry about it.... but the problems are still there. It's quite horrible too, that feeling you get in your stomach. It actually hurts...... that can't be good. *sigh*

I just wish there was some simple solution... but when I analyze the problems (plural) I realize there's no simple way around it. Just face it. Deal with it... and ride it out till it can be fixed. I've tried the whole 'blind eye' thing. Temporary. Very temporary fix. That little stress monster still lurks about the shadows and pokes holes into my stomach when I'm not looking. It makes me look. And I always hate what I see.

I don't know... I just keep thinking it's got to be the simplest thing. Most people have running water and properly working electricity, right? Why can't I? Do other people live in a house that's been turned into 'Joe-Bob's Mini Storage'? Not like this... so why should I have to deal with it?? I should send my mom onto Oprah... she can have a makeover, and Oprah can clean our house, fix it up all pretty like... carpet that isn't downright FILTHY, some paint on the walls, fix the leaking roof and broken gutters, as well as the busted window (been like that for at least 10 years now). We could have an electrician and plumber fix everything, and have the water turned back on and fully operational outlets and light switches. Then maybe she'll feel better about herself, and get a job that's willing to pay her what she deserves. She's a hard working woman... and she works well, but this little bitty 'high school' job isn't cutting it, and she's not happy. She needs something good so she can get a car again as well.

We both talk about our dreams... all of the wonderful things we plan to do with the house, or maybe even buy a nice home in the country with land and ponds with fish and brick walkways...... but these dreams are always crushed. There's always one thing on top of another that postpones our plans even further, and allows us to pile even more plans onto those plans. It's vicious, really.

I can remember when our plans where to replace the carpet and buy new furniture. Now our 'plans' are to find some time and a way to get some cleaning done... get the house LIVABLE again. But I've seen the past. I've learned so much from it. And it's taught me that something will happen, and there will only be more stuff for us to plan to do. The least of my worries will be cleaning something. There's always something. It never ends. The stress monster does what he can to keep it that way. He feeds off of it.

Now my head hurts too.

More stress needed? -- I'm sick. How's that to add to the other stuff? I have NO money to see a doctor. It'll just get worse. But I know something is wrong. These kinds of CONSTANT headaches and severe stomach pains aren't normal. I shouldn't feel dizzy and nauseus like this. And my skin cancer isn't going away either. Oh, and let's not forget my heart problems. Heart attacks at 22..... not a good thing at all. No fun, I tell you, no fun.

Thank you, Chris. If it hadn't been for you, I don't know how I would ever handle any of this mess. (and more, as you well know)

Well..... I think I've bitched and complained enough for now. I think I'll watch Josie and the Pussycats. Try to distract the stress monster........

For a little while, anyhow.

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